Dr Pointy Ears
by MissJesselle
Summary: A new Starfleet regulation dictates that every First Officer functions also as a relationship counselor. Spock gets ready to answer all the anonymous requests for advice. Kirk/Spock, a little.


_Star Trek does not belong to me, of course._

*****

Spock sat down at his computer console and with a sigh, opened the channel set up by Dr. McCoy to where anonymous counsel requests from his fellow crew members were supposed to be sent. Seeing the title **Dr. PointyEars: Anonymous Sex and Relationship Super-Logical Emotion-Free Counseling**, he again marveled at the Chief Medical Officer's childish glee upon discovering the new Starfleet regulation that ordered every First Officer to provide such service, if required.

Judging from the number of incoming requests, it was required very much indeed. Focused and efficient as always, Spock set to answering the numerous messages.

#1

Dear Dr. PointyEars, my dearest friend, coworker and incorrigibly misguided debater,

I have several questions pertaining to the sexual nature of one of the many Federation species: Vulcans. I trust you will dutifully and truthfully answer all of them.  
a) I have heard that allegedly, Vulcans experience some kind of mating cycles. Is this true?  
b) If so, how long are the intervals between the mating seasons?  
c) Are both males and females affected?  
d) Are they capable of sexual intercourse in between the mating periods? If not, doesn't that suck?  
e) Why are Vulcans so damn tight-lipped about themselves?

Looking forward to your answers,  
Impatiently,  
Anonymous Inquirer

_Dear Dr. McCoy,_

__

as you can see, I did not shun my new responsibility and am endeavoring to respond to all queries, however obtrusive they may be.

Ad a) Yes.  
Ad b) Sufficiently.  
Ad c) Naturally.  
Ad d) Sexual intercourse between mating periods is illogical. I fail to understand the meaning of the verb 'suck' in this context.  
Ad e) They find the insatiable curiosity of other beings fascinating.

_Sincerely,  
Commander Spock_

#2

Dear Dr Ponty Ears!  
My pals from teh Security dont act like my pals anymore. They make fun of me in a real mean way and thats FUCKING DRIVING ME MAD!!! Its cuz they once (like 4 years ago man) heard sombody call me fucking CUPCAKE (and I wont say who said it cuz hes a big boss now but he wasnt back then and sudenly he acts like hes so hi above us all but he FUCKING WASNT BEFORE he was a FUCKING LOSER and I didn rub it in his fais and I aint gonna ever rub it in anybodys fais NEVER would do something so FUCKING LAIM MAN!  
As I was saying – hehehe more like writeing – those guise from the Security are having fun at my expance! Their calling me cupcake all the FUCKING TIME and emplying Im a FUCKING LIL PRINSESS like real ifeminit and shit theysay I am real sweeeeet and cute (compairing me to a cupcake) and that I should were a pretty lil skirt to show my pretty lil legs!!!  
Please POInty Ears help me i allways liked you and I now you dont like the FUCKING BASTARD KIRK EETHER!!! THEIR! I writed it and I aint gonna erais it I dont FUCKING CARE ANMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Dear Anonymous,_

__

Firstly, I am compelled to reprimand you for the direct slur against the Captain – it can be interpreted as subordination and disrespect of authority which might very well bring you to face Court Martial.

Secondly, I have never publicly expressed either like or dislike for the Captain and it shall remain so. I would therefore appreciate if you did not insinuate otherwise.

And thirdly, please enlighten your co-workers to the fact that a cupcake is a kind of pastry and thus incomparable to a sentient being. Identifying a person as such is simply illogical.

_Sincerely,  
Commander Spock_

#3

Dear Dr. Pointy Ears,

I think I'm gay. I tried doing it with girls, but I think they are pretty disgusting. I'm afraid that my mother will be disappointed, though.

During one exploratory mission, I unlawfully appropriated several seeds of a particularly interesting plant. It was purely for academic purposes. But it was stealing!

I'm also in love with Pavel Chekov.

I never told any of this to anybody. Thank you, Pointy Ears!

_Dear Anonymous,_

__

I am afraid that I have not discovered any inquiry to which I could reply in the text you sent me.

_Sincerely,  
Commander Spock._

#4

Dear Doctor Pointy Ears,

I harbor undying love for one of my superior officers. But he doesn't even notice me! He always says that he doesn't have any emotion, but I think he does! I'm always so flustered when he comes to the part of the Enterprise I work in and so annoyed at Dr. McCoy for constantly pestering him. I don't agree with any of the mean things Dr. McCoy says.

I would like to tell this handsome and intelligent person that I love him, but I'm almost certain that my love is unrequited.

Recently, there have been rumors that he is actually involved with another of my superior officers.

Do you think I should tell him anyway?

_Dear Anonymous,_

__

I strongly advise you not to, under any circumstances, confront the person of your desire with the revelation of your "undying love."

Please note, that individuals who practise emotional repression find such dramatic declarations highly disconcerting.

I urge you to bury your sentiments deep inside you and never disclose them.

NEVER DISCLOSE THEM.

_Sincerely,  
Commander Spock_

#5

Dear Doctor with Pointed Ears,

I have a really troublesome problem. You see, every morning I wake up with what Americans call a hard-on. It is really troublesome. You see, because of this, every morning I have to do what Americans call jerking off. This causes me trouble because I have to report to the Bridge quite early every day. But I have to jerk off first. I should probably also tell you that I'm quite young. I want to stay in my anonymity but I'll give you a hint and say that my age ends with -teen.

Hope you can help me with my troubles!

P.S. Also, how do you tell somebody you like them without making yourself seem stupid if they don't like you back?

Hypothetical situation: There is person A who is sitting right next to person B every day and person A realizes that they really like person B and are pretty sure that person B likes them as well, but aren't sure if person B likes them only as a friend or as maybe something more. How does person A find out if person B likes them as something more without risking making an idiot out of themselves if they only like them as a friend.

This was just a hypothetical situation.

Thank you for helping me with my troubles!

_Dear Anonymous,_

__

The immoderate sexual urges are, as you correctly predicted, caused predominantly by your youthfulness. As you mature, they will gradually subside. In the meantime I suggest relieving them – either by what is properly called masturbation or with the assistance of another consenting individual (see below).

Additionally, inferring from the data I received in one of the previous counsel requests, I am 98.72% certain that person B likes person A as "something more."

_Sincerely,  
Commander Spock_

#6

Dear Spock,

Are you still working? You can actually get an Ensign to help you answering all those silly questions.

Oh wait, now onto my counsel request:

Dear Dr. PointyEars,

I really enjoyed the last time with my First Officer. I would like to repeat the experience ASAP. Meaning right now. What would you suggest I do? Send him a fake counsel request maybe?

I am eagerly awaiting your solution to my problem.

Spock leaned back on his chair, processing the latest message. Then, with a slight tilt of the head, purse of his lips and a barely perceptible shrug – the Vulcan alternative of the human _Oh well, to hell with it_ – he got up and strode off to the Captain's quarters.

This particular problem clearly required his physical presence.

*****

_Thank you, Reader, please review._


End file.
